Writing about me

The Guardian 

02^nd May 2020

The New Era

Shockwaves were sent through the British establishment yesterday as Jake Smith secured a landslide victory for the Liberal Democrat party, marking the parties first ever general election victory. Beating the incumbent Labour party by almost 11%, Smith gained the largest share of votes since Tony Blair's landmark victory in 1997.

 Outside number 10 this morning, Smith thanked his supporters and insisted he would stand by the pledges made in his election campaign.

"At election time, not just in Britain but across the globe, these campaigns are won on promises of hope and change for the future. All to often however, when the smoke has settled and the lights are dimmed, the familiar feeling of hopelessness and resent creep upon us as it becomes apparent that the promises made to us are unnatainable. I want to make this time different. You, the people of Britain have spoken and your message is clear: we are not satisfied with the status quo. After 100 years of what has effectively been a two party system, it is time for real change. Change for our time, and change for the future. Change that will leave a legacy that our grandchildren will be proud of, and that will impact their lives for the better. We cannot fix the world overnight, but from this moment we can begin to lay the foundations for the future they deserve."

Since elected party leader in 2016, Smith has helped transform the nations perspective of the party, away from the painful memories of Nick Clegg's disasterous role in the 2010 coalition and into the image of a new, modernised party that is ready to take on the challenges of the 21st century. A fierce critic of Labour and Conservative foreign policy, his most popular pledge is the promise of a national referendum on any proposed military action overseas, unless in the event of an immediate and direct threat to national security. Other popular policies include a multi-billion pound investment in high speed internet infrastructure, national curriculum reform and the closure of numerous tax loopholes. He has also vowed to generate 70% of the nations electricity from renerable sources by 2030.

Supporters are gathering in Westminster today to celebrate what they call a 'new era' in British politics.

"I had never voted before but after the painful decade we have been through, i felt it was time to make my voice heard. The Labour and Conservative parties are outdated and full of rich, old MPs who are out of touch with the population. You could barely put a cigarette paper between their policy, and this is the Liberal Democrat's chance to show us they are different."

 Not everybody is celebrating however, as senior Labour figures accross the board call on Ed Milliband to resign after his embarrassing defeat. Unite, one of Labours biggest supporters, have already announced plans to cut ties with the party in the event that they cannot secure a victory, citing concerns over the 'future direction' of the party. Unite representatives were unavaliable for comment.

 

Geoffrey's Monologue

Geoffrey is the local Vicar, and husband of Susan. It is Sunday evening and he is sat in his office reflecting on his day.

Another fantastic session in the house of the Lord this morning. It was a tad chilly as the boiler was out again, but that was more thanm compensated for by the warmth of the crowd as i englightened them with the Lord's message. Well, with the exception of Susan. She was late again, for the second week running. I do worry about the woman somethimes. Semon went swimmingly, as usual. I decided to be a little controversial on this occasion and tackle the subject of love making, perhaps in the hope that Susan might give the topic a little more thought at home, but it was to no avail.

Anyway, i could barely contain myself as i revealed that we were to be blessed with a visit from the Bishop after the Easter festivities. My brothers and sisters shared my enthusiasm and chattered excitedly, again with the exception orf Susan who appeared indifferent to the wonderful news. She must have still been digesting my capitvating Sermon.

Half hoping to be suprised when we returned home, i was welcomed only by the same chicken wing dish that we had every Sunday afternoon. I attempted to raise the subject again but Susan was more interested in the Parish magazine. Proceeding to my study, i wondered what i was doing wrong. Maybe it's just me.